MiningForRice

by Spaghetti Wound

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credits

released June 11, 2017

Written and Performed by S John Cowan
(Titles by S John Cowan and Cherry & Stuart Fixter)

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Høst Recordings Lincoln, UK

Høst Recordings looks after the works of Steve Cowan. These are usually solo projects, but occasionally feature bands that Steve is a part of.

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Track Name: The Ballad of Mary Woodlouse
She spends her days in my woodyard
She wastes her evenings playing cards
With all the other insects
Whoring her life away for woodchips
A taste of victory on her lips
She'll lose her money and her self-respect

She's got a habit
She don't know how to break it
Will she fake her death
She'll contemplate it

She spends all day just watching TV
I try to distract her, she don't see me
She's stoned on booze and weed
Queues on Tuesdays, to get her benefits
We all know what she intends to do with it
She'll blow it on squeezy cheese

She's got a habit
She don't know how to break it
Will she fake her death
She'll contemplate it

Standing on the bridge to make it convincing
She'll make the leap with a cardboard wing
Gliding down, to the rafters of my house
She's a cunning little woodlouse

All the papers report on her death
The witness saw her take her final breath
But no one saw her landing
Another story of a broken gambling addict
Now she's running games from my attic

She's got a habit
She knows just how to break it
Now she's changed her name
I think she hates it

Now she's famous, for all the wrong reasons
To hide her past and press attention
She'll become a force for change
Now she's campaigning, for our youth
Censoring programs, and hiding the truth
She's mad with power, she's deranged

Standing on the podium, spouting all her lies
Making enemies of the spiders and the flies
She's a fierce little lion, disguised as a mouse
She's a cunning little woodlouse
Track Name: 6-Minute Cod Cube
The tesseract glows as I switch on the hob
We're minutes away from it entering my gob
A wonder of modern gastronomy
Mixed up with edible astronomy

The flesh is so white, that it blinds
So many recipes entering my mind
With a magical egg yolk to bind
6-minute cod cube, the last of its kind

The stars now align for this feast
Covered in crumbs, made with alien yeast
The frying begins with a sizzle
It can only be eaten with hammer and chisel

The flesh is so white, that it blinds
So many recipes entering my mind
With a magical egg yolk to bind
6-minute cod cube, the last of its kind

You won't see this sold in Waitrose
Now that I've eaten, my stomach glows
Will it burst through my chest like John Hurt
I'm hoping not, cause this is my best shirt
Track Name: I Saw Hamsters in Ipswich
Welcome to Suffolk, where you'll not want to leave
A brand-new theme park where your family can grieve
We'll take the DNA from your stiffening pets
And cross it with gunk that we bought from the vets

A side-effect is, that they grow so much larger
You're welcome to ride them, but I'm afraid that we'll charge ya
The rodents are starting to huddle in groups
They're planning to riot, so break out the troops

I saw hamsters in Ipswich
They gnawed at my legs, and it hurts like a bitch
Why did they breed them so huge?
Did Jeff Goldblum not set out the rules?

The park is on fire, and the pets are escaping
They're looting the towns, and the sheep they are raping
They're making their way to the top of the food chain
By rounding up scientists, and eating all their brains

This parrot's not quite dead
Even though it's missing its head
There's no reason to look so forlorn
It was bitten off by Ozzy Osbourne

I saw hamsters in Ipswich
They gnawed at my legs, and it hurts like a bitch
Why did they breed them so huge?
Did Jeff Goldblum not set out the rules?
Track Name: Asleep in My Squid
Flying in my cephalopod spaceship
On a journey to find another planet
Between the galaxies I wander
Under the blanket of the briny universe
Through the coral pink supernovae
To the inky black gas clouds
The stars are getting blurry
As I drift into an alternate dimension

The cats come out to greet me
They've been living with the fish
But I've yet to see their babies
Swimming in the sky

Their leader is a dog named Gerald
His fur is pink, orange, and green
He eyes me with eager suspicion
Maybe he thinks I've got sausages
We sign a treaty to keep out the mice
They've been stealing his cheese again
And so, with my anti-rodent rifle
It's a hunting I shall go

The mice go marching on
The mice know what's going on

The mouse king perches high upon his throne
He challenges me to a duel
With cocktail sticks armed with cheese and pineapple
We fight til the very last
With a swift parry he plucks out my heart
He places it in his glass of martini
I lie back and dream of my failure
As I sleep myself back home
Track Name: I'm a Didgerymaybe
I hoped to join their band, but they said I don't fit in
I'm not a double bass, or a screechy violin
I cannot play two notes, I only do a drone
As a consequence, I'm always playing alone

I started busking tunes in Primark
Making farty noises until it got dark
A talent scout heard me playing in Paris
He told me I could be the next Rolf Harris
All the snooty tubas were now jealous
Playing hippy festivals in my wellies
Taking lots of pills, loaded off my wazz
I made a bad decision to incorporate some jazz

Within two years I was in the charts
Guesting with Orchestral Manouevers in the Dark
Injecting lots of drugs, and bleeding cash
All my luck ran out, and I was broke in a flash
Begging on the streets with a glaze in my eyes
I tried to find a job selling rancid fries
And then, at last, I heard the sound of timpanis
And the music started to rumble inside of me

Now I'm back to where it all began
Auditioning for bands, without a master-plan
Until one day I met a chap called Rory
He wanted me to tell the world my story
This tale, he said, would lead to fame and riches
He asked if I remembered all the money and the bitches
And so the moral of this simple story, my friends
Is not to write a song and not know how it ends
Track Name: A Weekend of Animal Porn
It's Friday night and David's gone to film his documentary
About some leopards playing with their extremities
The cheetahs sneak along to watch the filth unfold
And the deer are nowhere here, I guess that they weren't told

It's a dirty weekend
A promise of some monkey bits
A zebra's massive bellend
Jizzing on a hippo's tits

It's Saturday and the party's raging on from yesterday
All the cast and crew treat it like a holiday
But David's getting angry 'cause he needs more takes
Of the horses sausage between the rhino's cakes

It's a dirty weekend
A promise of some monkey bits
A zebra's massive bellend
Jizzing on a hippo's tits

Now it's Sunday morning, and they're all out of breath
David wants his money shots, but there's nothing left
"Can you give it one more squeeze to see what's in the tank?"
This will be a masterpiece, if you give me one last wank

It's a dirty weekend
A promise of some monkey bits
A zebra's massive bellend
Jizzing on a hippo's tits
Track Name: First Wasp of the Season (Epitaph)
All the fields are bare deep in winter time
All the leaves are gone, but we're finding time
To plant this brand new crop of Apocrita
And hoping that the shoots won't be stingin' ya

BRIDGE
The seeds are starting to squirm
Wriggling around like a vicious little worm

It's the first wasp of the summer season
No one want's to buy them, there must be a reason
Could it be that eating them's a terrible hazard
No one really likes the stripey yellow bastards

Let's hope that no one dies from swallowing barbs
They're packed with lots of fibre, but hardly any carbs
Eating two or three as a tempting daily snack
May cause a sudden flock of bats out your crack

The seeds are starting to squirm
Wriggling around like a vicious little worm

Wash them down with a pint of apple cider
The lethal tasty snack that wriggles inside ya
Try them natural, or coated with honey
We don't care if you die, just give us your money

It's the first wasp of the summer season
No one want's to buy them, there must be a reason
Could it be that eating them's a terrible hazard
No one really likes the stripey yellow bastards